The Queen's Archers were summoned, and they dispatched the fairies with tiny little arrows that would have been cute if they hadn't been so very lethal. The Princess thus missed out on gifts that included but were not limited to zero per cent financing on any future land holdings and a lifetime supply of pills that guaranteed male virility.

The King consulted in secret with the great and powerful wizard Balderdash, who left the pastry half-draped over his Beef Wellington to consult his Book of Prophecies and Recipes for One.

"Aye! She does have a destiny!" Balderdash intoned.

"I knew it!" The King strutted in triumph, then paused mid-prance. "What sort of destiny?

"Hrm. Well." Balderdash scritched his forehead with his incredibly phallic Staff of Power. "That bit isn't so clear."

"Make it good," said the King. "We need to release a Royal Proclamation with some real pizzazz."

Balderdash muttered into his patchy beard about just where the King could stick his pizzazz. Then he threw a handful of glitter into the air and lit a torch beneath it. "I see lots of sleepless knights. No. Nights. Sleepless nights in your future. And a large quantity of--"

"Gold?" the King supplied with not inconsiderable hope as he peered into the swirling mess above his head.

"Let's just say," said Balderdash, "that it ain't gold."

The King glared at him. The wizard hurried to consult the glitter-cloud once more.

"Cries in the darkness. A fearsome trial by diaper. And yet more of the substance-that-is-not-gold."

The King mulled over these words while the last sprinkling of glitter cascaded over his head. He sneezed into the prophecy. "That's it?"

Balderdash closed The Book. "Yes."

"Nothing more, say, about heaping glory and riches upon her illustrious father?"

"No," said Balderdash.

The King thought about this for a moment more. "You're quite sure?"

The wizard nodded.

"What about--" the King began.

"No."

"Not even--"

"Certainly not that."

"Well damn. That's not much of a destiny."

"She was born after the happily ever after bit, you know." Balderdash patted the King in a conciliatory fashion. "Cheer up, Your Highness. I'll do my utmost best to ensure the next child is a boy."

The King looked at him askance. "If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer that I ensure the next child is a boy."

If this were a movie, the leaves on the trees would fade from green to yellow and then fall from the trees. A blanket of snow would drop over the landscape and melt into spring. Picture this happening in fast-forward about thirty times for the sake of expediency, all right?